The Most Useful Guide Ever for Things You Need to Survive a Haunted House
It’s Top Dog Zhara’s favourite time of year, full of terrifying things and ghoulish goings on! Which got us thinking, if you happened to find yourself in a haunted house what would be the things that you’d need most of all to help you survive?
… who are we kidding! The moment you step through that phantom’s front door you’re probably gonna be a goner. Eeek!
No, no, okay - we’re here to support so here goes…
Torch (or flashlight for our American friends)
The first thing that goes other than the heating in a haunted house are the electrics so why not pack a torch to see your spooky stalkers more clearly? Although taking in all things ghastly and frightful, the torch will probably fail and you didn’t bring extra batteries did you? Oh dear.
Who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters! Buuuut probably not as your service will be pretty patchy and petrifying. In fact the scary spirit probably has a morbid sense of humour and will call you instead. Cue heavy breathing and a horrendous sense of foreboding. Ohh! You have a text! Who’s it from? YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE.
Okay so maybe you find some candles in a drawer, maybe you don’t. Odds are a chilly breeze will pass through the room just at the moment you’re trying to light the matches you had in your pocket anyway. Or this shuddersome spectre will wait until you’ve lit one and say “Boo!” and show you a glimpse of his scary face.
Aha! You have a weapon now. Unfortunately, you’re hampered by your trousers constantly falling down which doesn’t make for a good getaway. Anyway, belts are useless; ghosts inhabit an entirely different plane to humans which means they’re not hampered by such earthly things as your trouser holder. Good effort though and points for creativity.
From the many, many episodes of Supernatural I have watched over the years I am now an expert in all things phantasmic and there’s only one thing that hurts a ghost and that’s iron. Normally at this point you’d reach for the iron poker but this house got refurbished recently and now has an electric-gas job that self-starts. Damn you modern world!
Salt is also an age-old method of protection from revolting wraiths. Just stand in a ring of salt and wait until it gets bored of you or until dawn happens, whichever comes first. Because nothing says you’re safe from an evil presence like the rising sun, and obviously if they can blow out your matches your circle of seasoning isn’t going to do a thing.
The Internet is a scary place…
If you survive the night, well done you! You know not to go snooping into other people’s houses now, don’t you? As experts in scary SEO services and petrifying PPC performance, why not drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org if they’re looking a bit on the grisly side?